The Dark Night
by MajesticNightDreamer
Summary: A young man finds himself in the world of Edward Cullen. Will he be accepted, or rejected? Will their love blossom, or wilt? Find out in this dreamy romance.
1. Chapter 1

Title the dark night

I walked sexily down the hallway, my iron ass swaying ever so slightly in my diesel jeans. My glorious eyes happened upon a group of beautiful students, One in particular was glorious and majestic. His sparkly, poop-coloured eyes delved directly into my soul. My large, black, excellent muscles vibrated with glee. He smiled sensually at me, and I couldn't help but get the impression that he was a vampire. Suddenly and all of a sudden a bitchy, brunette, crippled, smelly girl appeared. I robustly punched her in her illiterate face and she fell generously to the floor. She cried and ran all the way back to her hometown, Oh yeah, by the way, she said her name was Bella and that Edward was hers! Edward smiled at me and winked stimulatingly. I knew his name because he was really popular.

My name is Krakin Aaass, I'm from Russia, Germany and Africa. My gently absurd buttocks attracts females but I like men. I am beastly and scrumptious. My skin is black and haunted. Also my ass is so toned it could crack nuts.

The bell rang and Edward pranced jauntily towards me. His bewhiskered face glowed and I had to look away because it hurt my illusive eyes. My heart bounced off my ribs and jumped into my throat. I vomited a little with excitement.

"Oh my, what a dapper jumper you've got on today." Edward said lustrously. I instantly pictured him wearing nothing but my sweater. He was hairy and charming and had clever ears. His man-place was all sparkly.

Oh dear! Keep your mind out of the gutter, you supremely beautiful prince of darkness." Edward said playfully. I blushed because he just totally read my mind. Now I was sure he was a vampire. It all added up.

Later on in my daunting chemistry class, I was sitting all alone. Several hot girls with large boobs ooed and awed over my princely handsome face. I scoffed at them. I like men, you fools.

At that very moment of that very second, Edward's memorable face returned to my line of vision. My mind went blank as he harshly walked over to where I was sitting. He was wearing an ensemble of a forest green Burberry v-neck cardigan, a black leather, fleece shirt by Le Chateau and turquoise, black leather and wool jeans by G-star raw. They dangled on his feminine body I felt overwhelmed by his praise-worthy, sublime body. I batted my extended eyelashes as he took his seat forcefully.

He whipped a note at me playfully. It smelled like innocence and masculinity. I inhaled it deeply and my lungs were on fire with passion. I opened the note and it read:

"Oh, gracious prince. Your hand is mine. It's so large and veiny. I dream of grasping it with my hand seductively. I tremple at the sight of your hands. Meet me in the forest at noon tomorrow, when the sun is highest in the skies. I await you."

Love Edward

Under the brilliant note there was a breathtaking talented artist rendition of our hands together. I looked up at Edward, but he was gone!

I couldn't wait for tomorrow


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up thrilled to have dreamt about my new dreamy landscape man. His letter repeated over and over again in my illiterate dream world. It was like a song by Madonna on a popular teen radio station. My satin sheets filled the indents of my butt dimples, and the sun poured in through the window next to me. I could hear my extremely rich parents talking about me in the dining nook. They were obviously drinking champagne. I could smell the aroma of a distant truck of perfume and assorted candy. My feet tingled. Wait. Right, the dream dream...Um.

Edward and I were in Chemistry class, and the teacher made us partner up for a project. The experiment was about reproduction, and they asked me and Edward to demonstrate for the class. I blushed all over. Edward looked kinkilly pleased. My teacher turned into a bed and the classmates into pillows. We dived elegantly into the stubborn pillows on top of the rambunctious bed. We bounced like kites caught in the wind.

Edward held my hand and whispered so magically and tastily in to my wet, black, clever ears. "Oh, my dark, handsome, perfect, beautiful, bewhiskered, tender, juicy, delicious pocket full of dreams, don't forget about our meeting." And then he grabbed my collar with his mighty vampire teeth and ripped my shirt off sublimely. I squealed with illiterate pleasure. My mind raced like a shark in the ocean. I woke up after that part in the dream all sweaty and plump.

I looked at the clock and it was already noon! I was late to meet Edward! My love!

I greased my muscles generously with pure baby oil by Johnson's and dawned my golden short shorts and purple tie. Nothing else. I wanted Edward to see everything I had to offer to him. My incredibly large muscles shined in the sunlight pouring through my window and I tee-heed. I looked in the mirror one more time for that last sprig of confidence. I was shocked to see Edward behind me in the reflection! (Wait, vampires don't have...)

ANYWAY. I turned around shockdedly and saw his forlorn, sad, unhappy face. He cried, "You weren't there!" And collapsed onto my lap. I pet his lovely, bristly hair.

"Oh, baby, baby." I said, depressededly, "How could I have let my only true love down. I'm sorry!!!"

Edward looked up at me with wide, teary, brilliant eyes and coughed in my face. It smelled like deer. I raised my large eyebrow with confusion, but then quickly forgot about it because...because. Because I cared about nothing anymore!

"I had something special to show you. But now I have to leave." He sobbed loudly and my parents told us to shut up from downstairs. "James is coming for you!" He shouted, and flew out of my arms and out the window.

I ran after him, but it was no use. My brittle legs were no match for his elegant wings. Here I was, desperately in love with him and very sweaty. Two things were certain; I knew Edward Cullen was a vampire, and I knew that I, Krakin Aaass, was irrevocably and really, really in love with him.


	3. Chapter 3

I stared blindly out my large, big, gigantic, golden window; my eyes sparkling with fresh tears, not unlike the lovely sparkles of a certain vampire. My pecks were shivering and twitching with shame. I had abandoned my only love in his time of need. The words he had shattered my universe with were stuck in my head like so many shards of broken glass.

"I had something special to show you. But now I have to leave." I recalled him saying, sobbing like a panther in heat.

I would have chased after that fiery ball of passionate fire-love, but I would have only burned myself. I looked away from the majestic, daunting, brilliant, frosty landscape out my window. It was as cold as my heart had become.

Ripping out the remainder of my chest hair in blind fury, I recalled more of what my vampire lust-bag had said;

"I will miss you forever! I'm going to Rome!" Edward had shouted mercilessly, flinging himself out the window and shattering it in the process. Shattered like my heart.

I was examining my broken self in the mirror when a sound chimed in my delicate, manly, clever, heartbroken ears. It was the doorbell. My parents, inebriated as always, were too far gone to open the door. I pranced down the stairs like a deer, recalling the stench of said animal on Edward's innocent breath. A tear tumbled down my face, seeking refuge in my concave cheeks. I hoped the UPS guy wouldn't make fun of me again as I opened the door.

But it wasn't a UPS guy as I had suspected. Instead, what graced my eyes can only be described as perfection. A tall, generous looking man with bountiful blond hair leapt at me with a jagged, shiny knife which looked to be acquired from an expensive knife specialty store, screaming.

Luckily, years of working out had blessed me with an iron chest that wouldn't allow a knife's penetration. The stranger gave me a look that said: 'I am a sexy vampire sent to kill you.' It was as plain to me as black and white.

He jumped back, nearly tripping over my front lawn's elegant decorative gnomes. He ripped his shirt off for reasons unknown and shouted to the heavens, "I am a sexy vampire sent to kill you named James!" JUST AS I HAD SUSPECTED.

However, I didn't suspect what would happen next. "--but now that I have met you, I cannot continue this mission." He squeaked gently, "You are so subtle and clever with your illiterate beauty that I can not stand to see you harmed."

He burst into glittery, glorious tears and fled, like a virgin touched for the very first time. A virgin butterfly, so to speak, escaping the judgmental stares of a million centipedes, so jealous of his bounty and grace. I nearly vomited with shock and appraisal. What a majestic gentleman he truly was. Such an occurrence would surely be documented in my diary.

I suddenly felt bad, for in the heat of the moment, I had forgotten all about Edward, my true love. Our life together flashed before my ghostly, broken, tender, skinny eyes. What was a little girl to do?

I knew instantly that I had to go to Rome and find him. But the only plausible way to get my parents to let me go was to fake my own death...


	4. Chapter 4

I was in the intensely overgrown diverse line at the starbucks in the new mall in my ungrateful, urine soaked city, speculatning what I was to purchase from this corporate giant. My cheekbones high in the air makign all the women faint within a 10 mile radius. I pucked my illiterate lips, cursing the complexity of the drink menu. What a metaphor for scoiety - for individuality, a person could be defined by what flavorful, impressive drink that they recklessly purchase.

I see myself as a Venti Mocha caramel supreme bohemian german chocolate wafer drink for instance, whereas my illustrious lover boy, Edward would be more of a tall iced sassy strawberry lemon whip kinda deal, you know.

Wait.

Hold on.

"EDWARD!" I screamed to the fullest extent of my hairy lion lungs, a group of terrified, mortified, horrified children across the street releasing their balloons in such horror. They were so scared.

I immediately ran to the nearest airport, my pulsating, democratic, capricious legs wiggling with such deformed power that all the cars ahead of me knew I was approaching, and parted like the red sea.

Then I remembered I forgot to grab my drinks. I figured there'd be a Starbuck's in Rome.

The plane that I had the misfortune of boarding was sluggardly downtempo and obtuse. So was the flight attendant. She had no idea how dire my situation was. She probably didn't even know vampires existed! Her breasts were lopsided and so were her silly, judgmental eyes. She forgot to give me my complementary peanuts.

I haphazardly and forcefully fell asleep, my damp eyelids fluttering as I entered REM.

My dreams were instantly filled with Edward's beautiful, intensely perfect, pale, naked body. My heart swelled with anticipation and the doctor in my dream advised me to calm down, lest I have a dramatic, sexy induced heart attack. I ferociously punched him in the face.

The ground turned into bugs and I screamed like a tightly bound werewolf under the sea. I woke up, thankfully, from this weird part of the dream before the bugs ate me.

I was already in ROME! And apparently, I had purchased three brand new outfits. The first bag contained a gorgeous formal gown made entirely out of second hand scarves previously owned by famous poets of the world. The second bag, larger, and with a picture of a baby crying on it, contained six hundred dead infant foxes tied together by their tongues, obviously a fashion statement in italy. The third and final sachel contained a turquoise pant-suit with the distinct scent of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fornicating.

I clearly need to go see a doctor about my sleep walking problem, but I have no regrets, because I am so damn stylish.

I instantly snuck behind a tall gorgeous building and threw on my brand new perfect brilliant intelligent fox outfit, knowing that it was necessary to win Edwards heart back after all this time that I had neglected him so foolishly. The backs of my eyeballs shifted at the thought of making sweet tender love to that sweet majestic beastly foxy ghost of a man. He haunts my beautiful black hands.

I just realized that I forgot to fake my own death.

It was daytime, and I thought that I should look for my love in the center of town, I knew deep down within the pitts of my dragon exterior that he was planning something big, and I had to be there to intercept him. There is something that connects true lovers like siblings, we think the exact same thing - oh wait I can hear him right now saying that he is opening a door. "What's that Edward? You're going to show your sparklyness to the voulturie? I CAN'T LET THEM KILL YOU!"

I ran like a gazelle on steroids! My muscly instincts guiding me, I knew exactly where I needed to go - it was like I could smell him. Mostly because I could.

Edward's smells strongly of things like baby deer, those bounce sheets that you put in the dryer, remnants of a good nights sleep, saliva on the lips of an angel, that weird after taste you get when you drink milk, and a brisk winter morning. HE also kind of smells like a hot glue gun after you've been using it for a long time, and the smell of bonfire smoke. It is my favorite smell in the world. Like if I had to choose the one thing that I could smell for the rest of my life - it would be him!

I looked up after I stopped running, and there was giant oppressive wooden door that was opening so slowly that it offended me. Edward must have been thinking about this door. This horrible door.

"EDWARD!" My lungs filled with the passion that I had been feeling, gracing me with the ability to yell for an abnormally long time. A minute and a half to be exact. It wasn't entirely necessary because Edward stopped as soon as I started to yell.

I saw his intense diarrhea colored eyes fixed one me through the crack in the door. My heart stopped for a second. I masculinely punched myself in the chest to start it pumping again, then I ran to the door like a giant hairy ox. He tip-toed towards me like a tiny ballerina. I snuck inside and looked at his bare-naked body. it was so nude that my clothes fell off in hasty valor. It was like the universe itself was bending to bring us closer together, the gods themselves could not have predicted such a beautiful love story.

He raised his twitchy thick vampirey eyebrow at me, and I knew exactly what he was getting at. I couldn't resist him any longer. right now. right here. in front of all the arbitrary eyeballs of the ghastly citizens of Rome, we were going to do it.


End file.
